watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
