I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
