who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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