I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
