I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
