the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
