my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
