2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
