I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
