She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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