She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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