3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
