You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
