Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
