Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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