I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
