dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
