If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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