She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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