and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
