dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
