Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am mentally ready for anal.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
