I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
