ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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