I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
