A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
