careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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