is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
