Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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