I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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