Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
