guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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