My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
