I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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