Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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