You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
