that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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