My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
