Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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