My sheets look like a crime scene.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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