You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
