You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
