The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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