My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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