It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
