Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
