I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
