How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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