I am in a vortex of obligation.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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