Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
