I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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