I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
