paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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